I don't usually write personal stuff on how the Lord is working in my life but it has been on my heart to share some of what the Lord has been teaching me lately.
Growing in our relationship with the Lord is often a painful thing. I don't like pain, especially when it is pain related to feelings and thinking. I can handle the pain of childbirth but I start to crumble under growing pains.
My wrong thinking in some areas has been growing over the last 18 months or more. It all started with finding out that I was pregnant with Bea. I have written about this before and how it took time for the Lord to work on my heart and accept this precious gift He has given me. But an area that I struggled with from that point on was that having her "ruined" my plans.
Many of you may know how much of a planner I am. I like to know what is coming our way. I like to plan ahead as much as possible. This doesn't mean that I can't change my plans. I do like to fly by the seat of my pants too! The thing is, I tend to think that I am flexible and can go with the flow and change my plans as needed. But I have realized though that it really isn't true. As I plan for the future I will think of many different possibilities for the future. I may have plans A through Z planned out and all are ok. So if I need to pick another plan, great, I know what to expect. But what happens when His plan isn't any of my plans? What happens to those expectations I have for the future?
What are those unmet expectations?
Specifically it is language study. When we went on home assignment I was looking forward to our return to the village with our youngest baby being almost 3 yrs old. The 5 older kids would all be doing school during the day and Jenna plays really good on her own. Then with the arrival of Bea those thoughts of being able to be in language study started to crumble. My only hope was to have a young lady come and teach the kids. I had also been able to hire a nanny in the past to watch Jenna when she was a baby, so I could do that with Bea too. God answered my prayers for a teacher and provided Lindy to come a teach our kids. The kids have loved her and she is doing a wonderful job teaching them.
Next I needed to find someone to look after Bea. It would just need to be in the mornings. At first it seemed we were told that many young ladies would love the job. Soon though, the list of available girls dwindled. Then finally a young lady was willing and able...but not till mid October. I figured I could make it work. I would hire my language helper to come in and help with the house work while my house helper looked after Bea. (those 2 ladies are sisters, so it worked for them) The plan was set.
Day 1-my language helper couldn't come because she didn't have anyone to watch her kids. Day 2-4 worked perfectly. I had a great time getting back into language study. Bea was happy. All was well. The following week it all came crashing down. The daughter of my language helper was ill. I figured I could work with it for a day or so. Then the days just kept going by. Now a week and a half later, my language helper still hasn't come back to work.
Monday just kind of topped it all off for me. I had hoped for a new beginning this week. Then my house helper didn't show up. She didn't text. She didn't send a family member down to say where she was. Nothing. It took some inquiring to find out that she had gone to an engagement party the night before and the motorcycle had broken down and she couldn't return. By the time I found this out I was super frustrated. Why were my plans not working out??? I want to learn the language! I want to be able to talk to people here and understand them! Lindy is not here so I can be just a mother and wife! By Tuesday morning I learned that my frustration was noticed by others. But they didn't know why I was so frustrated. It was then interpreted as anger towards my house helper for not coming to work. That hit hard. Still does. I pains me to know that not only my family was feeling my frustration but the people in the village were seeing this as well.
His plans for me were not any of those A through Z plans I had made. They were His plans. My thinking was wrong. I was thinking that I was letting Him have control of my days and future but when His plan wasn't one of my plans I became frustrated and disappointed. As many know "when Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" Some days Mom was happy. As things happened as I planned it made for a good day. But when a day would work out different than any of my plans it makes for a crabby Mom. I have often said lately that I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. Some days are thrilling and some days are scary. It's easy to blame hormones and circumstances for how I feel and put the blame on others. There is wrong thinking. If I am trusting the Lord in all that I do and trust that He knows what is best for me each and every day then I can be at peace and ride that road that He has for me. It may be bumpy and it may be twisty but He has me going to the place that He wants me.
Through prayer and reading His word and listening to Him I have been able to put some of the pieces together. I have not been trusting Him. I have been trusting in myself. That's not easy to accept.
As I started to think through what God was giving me to do, I realized that He was giving me the desires of my heart. I love being a mom. I love having babies. He gave me Bea. I love being able to play with my kids. I love being able to cook for them and bake for them. I love being able to have a house in order when Chuck comes home at the end of the day of working hard at getting this language. God was giving me the chance to do all these things. I wasn't weighed down with teaching the kids. I wasn't weighed down with language study. I was just available to do what needed to be done. Instead of finding joy in the tasks He had for me I just became frustrated.
I just read this from a friend, "God is more interested in who He wants me to be than in what He wants me to do." She was talking about how John 15 goes with this. As I took time to read John 15:1-11, I was reminded of what I had been doing and not doing. I have been trusting in my abilities and not trusting and resting in Him. As I abide in Him, He will bring forth the fruit. How comforting it is to know by abiding I can know that His will will be done in my life. I like verse 11, "These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full." He gives me joy in the things I do for Him as I abide in Him.
Yes growing still hurts. But I would not be more like Christ if I didn't go through this pain.
So for today I will walk with Him and do as He has laid out for me. I will trust Him to know what is best for me and my family. As He allows I will work on language study.
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